Grace-Based Marriage: Conflicts
James 4:1-10
What should you do when you and your spouse are in a fight? In a conflict? What should you do?
I saw a web site that said fighting could actually strengthen a marriage – as long as you fight fair. Then it listed what it means to fight fair: no blaming, no accusing, lots of listening, lots of “I-statements,” hold hands while you are fighting, no name-calling, no bringing up past history, no sarcasm, no yelling, and be willing to forgive. (http://marriage.about.com/cs/conflictandanger/ht/fightfair.htm)
But if you’re holding hands, and forgiving, and not yelling – then you’re not fighting. So this web site is saying is – don’t fight. Just choose not to fight. But we all know that it’s not that easy. There’s deeper issues; deeper problems.
So what are those deeper issues, and how can we deal with them? To answer that, let’s turn to James chapter 4. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you. James 4 is on page 1012 in the Bibles we are passing out.
I would guess that some of you wonder why we would turn to a 2,000 year old book to answer questions about marriage. And let me say from the get-go that there’s nothing wrong with that question. Questions are good.
So here’s a thought: if there is a God who created everything, who created you, who came to the earth in the person of Jesus to reveal Himself to us – why couldn’t this God have specially gifted men to write truth directly from Him and put it in a book? That’s what this book says happened. God specially gifted men to write truth directly from God.
Now that’s doesn’t prove the point. But I hope it maybe opens the door so you will give a hearing to what one of these men says about fights and conflicts. This letter called “James” was written by James, Jesus’ brother. He grew up with Jesus, balked at Jesus’ claims to being the Messiah sent from God, ended up following Jesus, was a leader in the Jerusalem church, and was killed for his faith in 62 AD.
And at around 43 or 44 AD he wrote this letter to believers scattered around Palestine. And in v.1 of chapter 4 he starts right off talking about what causes quarrels and fights.
What causes quarrels and fights?
Now before we read this passage, think about a recent fight or conflict you’ve had. What caused the fight? The answer is – the other person, right? It’s something they did or did not do. We think quarrels and fights are caused by the other person.
But look at what James says in v.1 --
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?
So the cause of quarrels and fights is not the other person. It’s not what the other person did or did not do. What caused the fight is something inside you. It’s passions that are at war within you.
Now what does that mean? What kind of passions are at war? Angry passions; unfulfilled passions. Passions that are fulfilled, don’t war; they’re happy and mellow. But if you have passions that war – it’s because they are unfulfilled.
That’s exactly what James says in v.2 --
You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.
So quarrels and fights are caused by frustration over unfulfilled desires.
Isn’t that true? Imagine that your kitchen sink pipes have been clogged and you haven’t been able to use the sink. And imagine that when you leave your husband says, I’ll fix the pipes while you are gone. But then when you come home, it turns out he watched the Lakers win their game. And a fight starts.
So what’s causing that fight? We’d all say – the husband’s laziness. And that’s an important issue that has to be dealt with. But James would say that’s not what caused the fight. What caused the fight is something in you. What caused the fight is your frustration about the sink.
To see this – imagine that on the way home you got a phone call which said you’d won an all-expense-paid two week cruise in the Greek Isles. So how would you feel when you walked in and saw that the kitchen sink had not been fixed? No problem.
What’s the difference? Same problem with the kitchen sink and lazy husband. But your heart is in a different place. You are not frustrated by unfulfilled desires.
So see, while the faucet is an issue, it’s not the cause of the fight. The fight is caused by frustration over some unfulfilled desire.
But James wants to take us deeper. He wants to help us see why we are frustrated over unfulfilled desires. Why? James tells us at the end of v.2 --
2b You do not have, because you do not ask.
Now what is it that we are asking for? You could think James wants you to ask God to have your husband fix the kitchen faucet – so your warring passions are satisfied – so your unfulfilled desires are satisfied. But that’s not what James is talking about.
Notice in v.3 James says “you ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, in order to spend it on your passions.” The word “passions” in v.3 is the same word “passions” in v.1 – the passions and desires that are frustrating us.
So if the main focus of our prayer is the passions that are warring in us, the unfulfilled desires we’re frustrated about, then we are asking wrongly. So what should be the main focus of our prayer? What does James want us to ask from God? In this passage what does God promise to give us?
James tells us in v.6 --
6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
So God wants to give us grace. And what exactly does that mean? James explains it in v.8 --
Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
What God wants to give us is the grace of His nearness.
This is crucial to understand. Because of Jesus, even though we have sinned against God, when we trust Jesus, we can have God Himself draw near to us. God Himself will draw near to you. He will meet you in prayer, in His promises, in the truth of His Word.
And when God draws near, you feel His presence. You experience His love. You behold His goodness. You worship His glory. You bow before His holiness. And – you will be completely satisfied – even if the kitchen faucet is still not fixed.
So the reason we have frustration over unfulfilled desires is because we have not asked God for the heart-satisfying grace of His nearness. Isn’t that true? If last night I fought with Jan, I can guarantee that yesterday I had not earnestly asked God for the heart-satisfying grace of His nearness.
But at this point James anticipates an objection: “I’ve prayed – I’ve prayed lots – but I have not come away satisfied.” Can you relate to that? Look at what James says in v.3 --
3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.
Sometimes we pray, but still do not receive the heart-satisfying grace of His nearness. And the reason is because we asked wrongly, to spend it on our pleasures. What that means is that the focus of our prayer has not been for God Himself, but for something else which we think will fill our hearts.
If the focus of your prayer is “Oh God, have my husband fix the kitchen faucet,” then you will not receive the heart-satisfying grace of God’s nearness. Now we should pray about things like the kitchen faucet – but those should never be the main focus of our prayers. If the main focus of our prayers is anything besides the heart-satisfying grace of God’s nearness, then when we stop praying we will be as frustrated as before.
So James wants to dig deep and show us the real causes of quarrels and fights. He’s told us that the cause of quarrels and fights is frustration over unfulfilled desires. And now he’s told us that frustration over unfulfilled desires is caused by lack of God-centered prayer.
But James doesn’t stop there. There’s one more step James wants us to see. Why has there been a lack of God-centered prayer? James’ answer is sobering. Look at what he says in v.4 --
You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
So why has there been no God-centered prayer? It’s because we are adulterous. See, when you become a follower of Jesus you enter into a covenant with God, where you commit to Him as your all-satisfying treasure. And this is wonderful, because He is your only all-satisfying treasure.
And so whenever your heart becomes empty, you seek Him for the grace of His nearness. And He meets you and satisfies you and comforts you and strengthens you.
But if you have not been pursuing God-centered prayer, it’s because you are seeking something else for your heart-satisfaction. And if a husband seeks sexual satisfaction with someone other than his wife, he’s an adulterer. And if we seek heart-satisfaction somewhere other than God, we are adulterers.
And that’s serious, as James says in v.4 – “whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.” Now this not talking about being friends with people who don’t know Jesus. Jesus calls us to love them and serve them and befriend them. But this is talking about seeking our heart-satisfaction in something other than God. If we do that, James tells us that we make ourselves enemies of God.
Why? The answer is in v.5 --
Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"?
God yearns jealously for your spirit. But God is not jealous to get something from you; God is jealous to give something to you: v.6 – “God gives more grace.” God is passionate about giving your spirit the grace of His nearness – which will satisfy you more than anything else.
So – if God’s burning passion is to give you His heart-satisfying nearness – and if you oppose His passion by seeking your heart-satisfaction elsewhere – then you are opposing God’s burning passion; which makes you an enemy of God.
Picture James like a skilled surgeon. On the surface there’s a quarrel and fight. But that’s just the surface issue. James is a skilled surgeon, and wants to get to the root of the problem. So he slices down and shows that beneath the fighting there’s frustration over unfulfilled desires. And he keeps cutting and shows that beneath the frustration over unfulfilled desires there’s lack of God-centered prayer. And he keeps cutting and finally gets down to the root cause: there’s lack of God-centered prayer because I have an adulterous heart. That’s the root problem.
So what can we do? If it weren’t for Jesus, we couldn’t do anything. It would be too late. Because God would have to punish us. And we would have no power to change. But God has made a way for your adultery and enmity to be punished in Jesus, and God has broken the power of your sin through Jesus.
So how can we experience this forgiveness and receive this power? James tells us in vv.7-10 –
V.7 -- “Submit yourselves therefore to God.” Agree with what He has told James to write. “Yes, I’ve lacked God-centered prayer; yes, I’m a spiritual adulterer.”
Then -- “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” If you have been seeking your heart-satisfaction someplace besides God, Satan’s been at work. Satan’s got his hold on you. But the good news is that because of Jesus, if you will resist the devil, with reliance on Jesus, and fight the devil, Satan will flee. We do this by prayer and fighting to trust Jesus’ promises. Do this and Satan will flee.
V.8 -- “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” Seek God in prayer, in His promises, in the truth of the Bible, and you will experience His heart-satisfying presence. Your heart will be satisfied, and your passions will stop warring.
Then -- “Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom.” That’s strong language to show a humble recognition of the sinfulness of my adultery, and a whole-hearted turning back to Jesus.
V.10 -- “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and He will exalt you.” He doesn’t leave you wretched and mourning and weeping. He forgives you and cleanses and satisfies you.
Now we haven’t talked about how to go to your husband to talk about the kitchen sink. That will be important. But what’s most important is getting your heart content and satisfied in God so the fighting stops. That’s what James has focused on.
Questions?
When you are in the midst of a fight, it feels like nothing could change your heart. But if you will stop, resist the devil, and go and seek the grace of God’s nearness, He will satisfy you. Your frustration will ease. And the fighting will be over.