Divorce, Remarriage, and Marriage
Matthew 5:31-32
Let’s turn to Matthew chapter 5 verse 31. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and we will bring one to you. Matthew 5:31 is on page 810 in the Bibles we are passing out.
In Matthew 5:31-32 Jesus talks about divorce, remarriage, and marriage – and depending on your background – this topic can impact you in very different ways.
For some of you this might be encouraging. You might be a person whose parents were divorced and you’ve seen a lot of divorces so you are pessimistic about marriage. But I’m hoping Jesus’ teaching will encourage you with how beautiful, loving, and lasting a marriage can be in Christ.
For others of you this might be painful. You might be in a painful marriage, or you are single and would love to be married but have no prospects. Or maybe you have suffered the excruciating pain of being divorced. But even though you might feel some pain, I am praying that what Jesus says here will also bring you comfort.
For others of you this might be troubling. Maybe your commitment to your marriage has been weakening. Maybe you have been considering divorce, and this morning you will hear Jesus tell you not to. Or maybe you have been divorced and remarried in a way that Jesus says involved you committing adultery.
Now if that’s the case – if Jesus says your divorce and remarriage involved adultery – Jesus would say bring that to Him. Confess it to Him. Because of His death on the Cross He will completely forgive you. So bring it to Him, receive His forgiveness, and then ask God to bless the marriage you are in now, redeem the marriage you are in now, bring glory to His name through the marriage you are in now. He will.
So let’s look at what Jesus says about divorce, remarriage, and marriage – in Matthew 5:31-32 --
31 It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.'
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
It’s clear that Jesus is correcting something. In v.31 He says -- “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ And then in v.32 He says – “BUT I say to you…”
So what is Jesus correcting? And like we have seen in the previous two paragraphs, we could think Jesus is correcting the Old Testament. Because in v.31 it looks like he’s quoting the Old Testament on divorce. To see what Jesus is quoting, let’s turn to two passages. Deuteronomy 24:1-4 (page 165) and Matthew 19 (page 824).
Let’s start by reading Deuteronomy 24:1-4 – and notice that in the first 3 verses he’s describing a situation – not commanding anything – just describing a situation. And he does not give any command until v.4 --
1 "When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house,
2 and if she goes and becomes another man's wife,
3 and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife,
4 then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the LORD. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the LORD your God is giving you for an inheritance.
So here Moses is saying that if a man (or a woman) divorces his spouse and she marries another – and then her new husband dies or divorces her – the first man cannot remarry her. There’s no encouragement to divorce. Just a description of what can and cannot happen after a divorce has occurred.
Now with that in mind let’s look at Matthew 19 starting in v.3 --
3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?"
4 He answered, "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female,
5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'?
6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."
7 They said to him, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?"
Did Moses command someone to give a certificate of divorce and send his wife away? No. This is a clear example of how the Pharisees distorted the Old Testament.
And look at how Jesus corrects them in v.8 --
8 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed [not commanded, but allowed] you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. [Taking Deut 24 as encouraging divorce…]
9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
The Old Testament allowed divorce – it was legal. But that didn’t make it right. You could legally divorce but still be committing adultery in God’s eyes. But the Pharisees took the Old Testament allowance of divorce and turned it into permission for divorce – maybe even encouragement to divorce.
So that’s what Jesus is correcting in Matthew 5. Let’s read vv.31-32 again –
31 It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.'
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
So what Jesus is correcting is not the Old Testament, but the Pharisees’ distortion of the Old Testament.
So what does Jesus teach about divorce, remarriage, and marriage? Here Jesus gives two commands, and one implication. Now let me mention that Matthew 5:32 gives Jesus’ own words. Not the words of organized religion, or of the church. Jesus own words.
And the first command he gives is -- don’t divorce your spouse for any reason other than his or her sexual immorality. You can see that at the beginning of v.32 --
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery…
So if Jan had not been involved in sexual immorality, and I divorced her, then I would make her commit adultery. Why? Because especially in that culture there was no financial support for a divorced woman, so she would have to remarry to survive.
Now why would I make her commit adultery? After all – I have divorced her. I have declared the marriage over. So how is her new marriage adultery? Remember what Jesus said in Matthew 19 – “What God has joined together, let not man separate.”
The point is that if Jan has not committed sexual immorality, my divorcing her changes nothing in God’s eyes. She is still my wife. I am still her husband. So – if I divorce her and cause her to remarry, since she is still my wife – I’m causing her to commit adultery.
But what if she has committed sexual immorality? Then I don’t have to divorce her. In fact I should forgive her and do all I can to restore the marriage. But if she has committed sexual immorality and I do divorce her – then I am not causing her to commit adultery – because she has already committed adultery – and adultery is something that can break the marriage bond in God’s eyes.
And of course this applies to both men and women.
So that’s the first command – don’t divorce your wife for any reason other than his or her sexual immorality.
The second command is – don’t marry someone who has been divorced unless their divorce involved their spouse’s sexual immorality. Look at the second half of v.32 –
32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
Jesus is teaching that sexual unfaithfulness can be grounds for divorce and remarriage in God’s eyes. So let’s say there’s a woman who had not been unfaithful to her husband – but he divorces her anyway. Well then -- in God’s eyes she is still married to her first husband. Which is why – if you married her – you would be committing adultery – because she is still another man’s wife.
But if this woman’s husband was unfaithful to her – and then he divorces her or she divorces him for that reason -- then in God’s eyes they are no longer married. Which is why – if you married her – you would not be committing adultery.
Now there’s other scenarios which I don’t have time to get into this morning – but I want to make sure you get some of the general principles which you can apply to other scenarios as they arise.
In fact, Paul the apostle does mention one other possibility. He talks about a situation in which an unbelieving spouse refuses to stay married to a believing spouse. I’m not convinced Paul is saying that divorce and remarriage are right in that case – but this is not an easy passage – it’s one of those areas where Christians can agree to disagree. So study it for yourself – it’s in 1 Corinthians 7.
But now what if you have broken one of these commands? What if you divorced and remarried in a way that God says involves adultery? What should you do?
Jesus would say bring that to Him. Confess it to Him. Understand that because of the Cross He completely forgives you. So bring it to Him, receive His forgiveness, and then ask God to bless the marriage you are in now, redeem the marriage you are in now, bring glory to His name through the marriage you are in now. He will.
So that’s the two commands. But there’s also a strong implication -- do stay faithful to your spouse and nurture your marriage.
That goes back to what Jesus said in Matthew 19. What God has joined together, let not man separate. The moment you said “I do” to each other – God joined you together in a bond that should not be broken – in a bond that he wants you to honor with sexual faithfulness – in a bond that he wants you to honor by nurturing your marriage.
So let’s raise this crucial question -- how can you stay faithful to your spouse and nurture your marriage? It’s easy for marriages to get into ruts. So consider the fact that God might be calling you to make some changes in your marriage. So here’s ten steps to consider --
First, each of you develop your own daily rhythm of earnest prayer and meditation on God’s Word. Picture your marriage like an empty reservoir needing love. There’s a pipeline running from your heart into your marriage. Every day you need to meet the Lord in prayer and the Word – letting Him pour His love into your heart – so you can pour His love into your marriage.
Second, battle sexual lust, using the suggestions from last week’s sermon. Turn to Jesus, trust Him, ask Him for help. Resolve to spare no effort. Consider changing your environment. Pursue the all-satisfying presence of Jesus. Talk to your spouse about your sexual relationship with each other. Get support from brothers or sisters. If and when you stumble, run back to Jesus.
Third, understand and live the roles God has established for marriage. God has called the husband to give loving leadership, and the wife to give respectful followership. If you are not clear on your roles – that will always be a subplot increasing the tension. Talk through your roles. Agree to your roles. Live your roles.
Fourth, invest time talking through sensitive topics like child discipline, money, and sex. Be in unity on how you are going to raise your children. Watch the child-raising DVD’s we’ve got available. Read books on Gospel-centered parenting. Work through books on budgeting. Talk humbly and graciously about your sexual relationship. Talk through these and all other sensitive areas.
Fifth, be clear on the purpose of your marriage – glorifying Jesus by raising children in the Lord, building other believers, and advancing the Gospel. If one of you thinks your purpose is a lavish retirement, and the other things your purpose is advancing the Gospel – there’s going to be a problem. So think and pray and study and talk and be united in your purpose.
Sixth, quickly take every hurt and bitterness to the Cross. Hurt and bitterness is like a cancer that will eat away at your love until it’s gone. So take hurt and bitterness to the Cross and meet Jesus until He heals your heart. He will let you know if you can let it go – or if it’s something you need to bring up. But take them all to the Cross.Seventh, speak only kind words to each other. When you take every hurt and bitterness to the Cross you will be able to speak only kind words to each other – because the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. If you are speaking impatiently, or angrily – there’s something you are not trusting to Jesus. So figure out what that is – trust Jesus for that issue – let His love fill you – and get back to speaking kindly.
Eighth, spend time together in the Word and prayer. Men, take the lead in this. Share with each other what you are learning from your own times in the Word. Read the Bible together. Pray together. Every couple is different. But pursue this, and you will find a rhythm that fits and works for you.
Nine, outdo each other in serving the other. Husbands – think about how you can serve your wife. And ask her what you could do that would bless her. Wives – think about how you can serve your husband. And ask him what you could do that would bless him.
Ten, love Jesus even more than each other. Because He will so fill and satisfy you that your marriage will be filled with His love.