Grace-Based Marriage: Forgiveness
Matthew 18:21-35
Last week we started a new preaching series called “Grace-Based Marriage.” My longing in this series is that we would experience Jesus’ grace strengthening our marriages and transforming our marriages.
And one way Jesus’ grace can transform our marriages is by helping us forgive. See, as much as your spouse trusts Jesus, he or she will still sin – will sin against you. That’s not right, but this side of heaven, that’s reality. Whether it’s sarcastic words or silent treatment or selfishness, your spouse will sin against you.
And unless you forgive, each sin will pile up until there’s a wall of bitterness and anger separating you. You might be civil about it, and just do your own thing. Or you might have frequent times of angry yelling. But either way, there’s a wall of bitterness and anger separating you.
And the only way to remove that wall is by forgiving. And Jesus’ grace can enable you to forgive.
To see this, let’s turn to Matthew 18. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you. Matthew 18 is on page 823 in the Bibles we are passing out.
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"
22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
23 "Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants.
24 When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. [This would be like a billion dollars today. Jesus’ point is that this is a debt the servant would never repay.]
25 And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. [That’s how the courts worked back then; if you owed money and did not pay it back in time, you and your family would be sold into slavery to pay back the one you owed.]
26 So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.'
27 And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt.
28 But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii [this would be like $2,000] , and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, 'Pay what you owe.'
29 So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, 'Have patience with me, and I will pay you.'
30 He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt.
31 When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place.
32 Then his master summoned him and said to him, 'You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me.
33 And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?'
34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.
35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."
Let’s start with the question – how often does Jesus want us to forgive? That’s the question Peter is asking in v.21. Look at what he says:
21 Then Peter came up and said to him, "Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?"
Let’s apply this to marriage. Imagine that your husband or wife sins against you. Maybe they say something to you that’s really hurtful. Peter’s asking Jesus – how many times are you supposed to forgive them? As many as seven times?
Feel what Peter’s asking. Imagine your spouse saying something hurtful – and you forgive them. That’s one. Then your spouse intentionally schedules something else for your date night – and you forgive them. That’s two. Then they say something sarcastic about you – and your forgive them. That’s three. Then there’s four, and five, and six, and seven – and you forgive, and forgive, and forgive, and forgive.
That’s what Peter’s asking – should you forgive seven times? Look at Jesus’ answer in v.22 --
Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.
Seventy times seven. 490 times.
And Jesus’ point is not that when you reach number 491 it’s “Yes! I can stop forgiving them!” No. Jesus is calling us to forgive always. To never stop forgiving. Ever. Forgive again, and again, and again.
But now if we are honest, we have to admit that at this point there is something keeping us from forgiving. What keeps us from forgiving?
Let’s say you and your spouse have an agreed-on schedule for who gives the kids baths and prays with them and puts them to bed. And tonight it’s their turn. But when you mention that it’s time to put the kids down, they snap at you, say they’ve worked hard enough that day, they’re watching TV, and they’re not going to do it. Which means you have to do it.
Now what keeps you from forgiving them? What keeps you from just letting that go? Two things. One is the pain of loss. They have just cost you something: time to put your feet up; time to rest and relax. You could have had an hour of relax time, but they have just taken that from you. So you are feeling the pain of loss.
But you also have the pain of injustice. It was their turn to put the kids down. You put them down last night. You’ve had a hard day, too. And it’s just not right that they are making you do it again tonight. So you are feeling the pain of injustice.
Whenever someone sins against you – they cost you something unjustly, so you feel both the pain of loss and the pain of injustice.
Picture it like this. Here’s you and here’s your spouse. And your spouse has just unjustly cost you some well-being. Your well-being has just taken a hit – and they were wrong to do that. Now what do we all want to do when that happens? We want to even the scales by getting back at them. We don’t want to let it go; we want to hold it against them until we even things out. We want to bring them loss until things are at equilibrium again.
And there’s lots of ways we do that:
Sometimes we just nurse the grudge, thinking over and over about how wrong that was, how unfair, how unjust. And the reason we do that is it makes us feel that we are somehow harming them and evening the scales.
Sometimes we just enjoy feeling bitterness or anger towards them, and not care for them or love them. And the reason we do this is because it feels like we are harming them and evening the scales.
Sometimes we give them the silent treatment, where we get back at them by not talking to them. And again, we do that in order to harm them and even the scales.
Sometimes we will subtly or not-so-subtly do things against them, like spend money in a way I’m not supposed to, or telling other people how bad they are, or speaking harshly to them. And again, we do this because we think that by harming them we are evening the scales.
Do you see how that works? What keeps us from forgiving is the pain of loss, and the pain of injustice. That’s why it’s so hard to forgive.
Now with that in mind – what does it mean to forgive? We can learn what it means to forgive by looking at how the king forgave the first servant.
First, notice in v.33 -- Jesus says the king “had mercy” on this servant. Justice would have demanded payment. But instead, the king had mercy. Second, in v.27 – the king “forgave him the debt.” The king does not hold his debt against him.
So forgiveness means mercifully not holding someone’s sin against them. They have caused you unjust loss, yes. But you mercifully do not hold their sin against them.
Now this doesn’t mean we are doormats. We’ll be talking about this more in coming weeks. You can totally forgive someone, and at the same time lovingly and respectfully bring up your concerns. But your motive will not be to harm them, or to get back at them, it will be to help them, to love them.
So forgiveness means mercifully not holding someone’s sin against them. So how can you tell when you are doing this? It’s because what you feel towards them is care, concern, love. You are not nursing a grudge, you are not thinking about how what they did was so wrong. You are not feeling bitterness or anger against them. You are not giving them the silent treatment or doing anything to harm them. You love and care for them.
So forgiveness means mercifully not holding someone’s sin against them.
But now how is forgiveness possible? Remember, what makes forgiveness so hard is the feeling of loss, and the feeling of injustice. It’s the sense of: “look what I’ve lost!” and “justice must be done!” So if you are going to forgive, the feeling of loss has to be erased, and the feeling of injustice has to be overcome. This parable shows us how that can happen.
The first servant is forgiven a billion dollar debt – and all of us readers feel how wonderful this is. But then the first servant goes out and doesn’t forgive a two thousand dollar debt – and all of us readers feel how horrible that is.
Why is it so horrible? Because if the first servant was seeing the king’s forgiveness for what it is, his feeling of loss would have been erased, and his feeling of injustice would have vanished – and he would have forgiven the second servant.
Let’s start with the feeling of injustice. That’s where we find ourselves saying “justice must be done!” But if the first servant had taken seriously the king’s forgiveness, he would see that he is free for only one reason: mercy. He would have been deeply grateful that justice was not done. He would have been humbled by the king’s mercy.
That’s what needs to happen to us. When we see God’s mercy in forgiving us through Jesus, we will be grateful that we received mercy, and we will humbly give mercy. Our feeling of injustice will vanish.
But what about the feeling of loss? Imagine someone owes you two thousand dollars. That’s big. But what if you suddenly won a billion dollars in the lottery? Suddenly that two thousand dollar debt would mean nothing to you.
That’s the point of the parable. The king is God. We are the first servant. We have sinned against God and owe Him an eternity’s worth of punishment. But because of Jesus’ death, God has completely forgiven us. We have received an eternity’s worth of God’s love and fellowship. We have won the lottery!
So the way to forgive others is to let’s God’s mercy dissolve your feelings of injustice, and to let God’s forgiveness satisfy your feelings of loss.
Remember the scale. Here’s your spouse, and here’s you. Your spouse has unjustly cost you. But when you remember God’s mercy towards you – your feeling of injustice dissolves. And when you remember all the benefits you have because of God’s forgiveness of you – your feeling of loss is erased. Your well-being scale rises so high it breaks the scale.
When you remember God’s forgiveness of you through Jesus, your heart will be so humbled, so satisfied – that you will not need to get back at your spouse. You will be able to forgive them – to mercifully not hold their sin against them.
But if you don’t forgive them, if you persist in not forgiving them, what happens? Look again at what Jesus says in vv.34-35 --
34 And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.
35 So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."
If you persist in not forgiving, then you will not be forgiven. Why not? Because that would show that you do not treasure God’s forgiveness of you. That would show that you have not been saved.
So what should we do? There you are with your spouse sitting in front of the TV, and it’s their turn to put the kids down, and they snap at you and say they’ve worked hard enough that day, they’re not going to do it, you need to do it. He’s cost you well-being.
So how can you forgive? There’s only one way. Remember God’s merciful forgiveness of you. Your husband has unjustly cost you two thousand dollars worth of well-being, but God has mercifully given you a billion dollars worth of well-being.
So what I would do is, while I’m on my way to give my kids their bath, is to pray and cry out to Jesus for help. “Show me your forgiveness of me. Help me feel the billion dollars I have, and not just the two thousand I don’t have.”
I might remember some verses I’ve memorized, like Rom 4 – “how blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven,” or 2Cor 5 – “God made him who knew no sin to be sin so we might become the righteousness of God in Him,” or Isaiah 53 – “He was wounded for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities.”
And as I am bathing the kids and reading them their story and praying with them, I’d be crying out to Jesus to show me the billion dollars of His forgiveness so I can lay down the two thousand dollars my spouse owes me.
Questions?
Is there any unforgiven sin between you and your spouse. If so, your marriage will suffer, and if you continue not to forgive, your soul could be in jeopardy. Remember God’s forgiveness of you, remember the billion dollars you have received in Christ, and mercifully forgive the debt so you love your spouse from the heart.