Sermons

Colossians: A Letter from Jail

Pursuing Parenting in Christ

Colossians 3:20-21

 

Let’s turn to Colossians 3.  If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you.  Colossians 3 is on page 984 in the Bibles we are passing out.

 

A number of years ago I was talking to my friend Tom Steller, who is now running the theology institute at John Piper’s church.  He said something about parenting that deeply impacted me.  He said that parenting is one of God’s most powerful tools to drive us to our knees in earnest and humble prayer.  Parents, isn’t that true?

 

See, it’s crucial that we understand two truths: one is that in ourselves we are not able to parent as Jesus calls us to parent – which is why we should spend time on our knees before Jesus praying.  But the other truth is that, if we spend time on our knees praying, if we rely on Jesus and His grace, He will enable us to parent.  He will.

 

And when we understand both of those truths, then we can pursue this topic with appropriate humility and expectation. 

 

But now what if you are single?  This topic is important for you, for two reasons.  One is because God may call you to get married, and have children; so you will need to know how to parent. 

 

The other reason is because you are in a home group with parents.  And as their brother or sister in Christ, you are called to encourage and counsel and pray for them in many areas of their lives, including their parenting.  But to do that effectively, you need to know what God’s Word says about parenting.  So this topic is crucial for all of us.

 

Let’s start with what Paul wrote in Colossians 3:20-21.  Paul wrote this letter to a group of followers of Jesus he had never met.  And part of his reason for writing was to communicate what it meant to follow Jesus in every day life.  And in these two verses he gives a word to children, and a word to fathers, and these two verses tell us how Jesus wants us to parent.  Start with v.20 --

20      Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

21      Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

 

Three implications

 

As I studied these two verses I saw three implications for parenting:

 

First, Jesus wants children to focus on pleasing Him.  Read v.20 again –

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

 

See, it’s not enough that children obey.  Jesus wants children to obey because they want to please Him.  Sometimes we can communicate to children that the reason they should obey is so that we won’t get angry, or because it makes our lives easier, or so that we will look like good parents to others.  But Jesus wants us to parent in such a way that our children are all about pleasing Jesus.

 

Second, I saw that Jesus puts parents in authority over children.  I see that also in v.20, in the fact that children are to obey their parents in everything.

 

Now it’s true that authority over children can be abused.  That’s terrible and tragic.  But it’s also true that authority over children can be neglected.  And that’s also terrible and tragic.  We will see in a moment how our authority should always be motivated by loved and expressed with love.  But if you are a parent you have to understand that Jesus has put you in authority over your child.

 

Third, I saw that Jesus calls parents to love and encourage their children.  I see that in v.21 --

Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

 

Fathers, you are in authority over your children.  Mothers, too.  But you must not provoke or discourage your children.  The aroma of your authority should be love and encouragement, not temper, not insults, not frustration.  All correction, all discipline should focus on Jesus – who loves them, who will forgive them, who will change their hearts, and help them.  Your authority must be authority – but it should always feel loving and encouraging.

 

Do you see why parenting drives us to our knees?

 

Five steps

 

But now let’s get more specific.  What does this look like in real life?  Here’s five steps that Jan and I have learned over our years of parenting.

 

First, establish your role as their authority.  Again, I get this from v.20 – where Jesus calls children to obey their parents.  God has established you, fathers, as the head of your household.  And God has established you and your wife to be authorities in the lives of your children.  Your children need your authority.

 

So what this means is that you need to establish order and structure in your home.  Establish bedtimes and mealtimes and chores.  Establish family times of reading God’s Word and praying and worshiping.  Put limits on computer time and television time.  Establish expectations for obedience.

 

If your children ask why you get to make these decisions, explain that Jesus has put you in authority over the home, and that you love Him and trust Him, and so you obey Him.  If your children do not agree with your policies, be open to hearing their concerns.  Listen carefully and respectfully.  They might have some good ideas.  But you are the one who needs to decide.

 

And as you do this, ask Jesus to give you wisdom.  Ask Jesus to show you whether you lean towards being too controlling or too lax.  And as they grow older, ask Jesus to show you where it’s appropriate to give them more freedom so they can start making their own choices.

 

Second, intentionally nurture love for your children.  There’s a natural love between father and children, mother and children.  But that natural love is not enough.  There will be times when it’s tested.  Severely.

 

But understand.  Jesus calls you to love your children.  I get this from Colossians 3:12-14 – this applies to all our relationships, including our relationship with our children –

12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

 

Jesus calls you to always love them, always be kind to them, always be forgiving towards them.  Always.

 

And that’s possible.  How?  As Paul says in v.12 – by feeling the truth that I am chosen by God to be holy and loved.  I am chosen by God; that’s why I am saved, that’s why I have faith: this humbles me.  I am chosen by God to be holy: that takes my eyes off myself, and puts them on Jesus and His glory.  I am chosen by God to be loved: that satisfies me and fills me no matter what my kids are doing.

 

And as you feel the truth that you are chosen by God, holy and beloved – you will grow in being loving and patient and kind towards your kids.

 

And as this happens, we will obey what Paul says in v.21 – we will not provoke our kids or discourage them.  See, if our instructions and discipline flow from anger and frustration, then we will nag, we will insult, we will not encourage, we will be demeaning.  But if our hearts are full of love and patience, our correction will be loving and encouraging.

 

So intentionally nurture love for your children.

 

Third, live life in Jesus with them.  Remember that your children are one of your top priorities.  So spend time with them.  Go to the park with them.  Go on hikes with them.  Read to them.  Pray with them.  Go to the beach with them.  Live life with them. 

 

But it’s not enough to live life.  Our main call is to help them come to know and trust Jesus.  So live life in Jesus with them.  You can see this in Deuteronomy 6:6-7 –

6        And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart.

7        You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

 

As we live life in Jesus, and live life with our kids, they will see Jesus in us and hear about Jesus from us.  Your family devotion times are crucial.  But what’s at least as important is what they see and hear from you about Jesus as you drive together, as you wait in line at Safeway together, as you throw the football together.

 

God’s Word, the gospel, the truth of Jesus should be naturally and authentically flowing out of our mouths all the time.

 

For example, when Anna was 2 or 3, we had left her sippy cup in a restaurant.  This was her favorite sippy cup, and she was very sad.  So we prayed and asked Jesus to have it still be there.  And when we got back to the restaurant, it was there!  So then we stopped and thanked Jesus for answering that prayer.

 

I remember one night when I realized that I had lost my patience with Brad.  And so as I prayed with him before he went to sleep, I talked to him about that.  I confessed my sin to him.  I asked him to forgive me.  I talked about the Cross, and how good it is to know that Jesus has totally forgiven me.

 

And there were many times when I used to do real estate and we would pray together as a family that a house would sell or that an escrow would close.

 

And the goal in this is that they would see Jesus for who He is, and repent of their sin, trust Jesus, receive His forgiveness and heart-changing power, and follow Jesus the rest of their lives.  Tell your children that’s your longing.  Talk with them about this from early age.

 

Fourth, respond to disobedience with instruction and discipline.  Read Colossians 3:20 again --

Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

 

Let’s say you clearly and calmly ask Johnny to put away his toys and get ready for bed, and he looks you in the eye and clearly and says “no.”  What should you do?

 

You need to understand that Johnny has just sinned against Jesus.  That’s the issue.  Not that it’s a hassle for you.  Not that it makes you look bad in front of your guests.  It’s that Johnny has just sinned against Jesus.

 

So what should you do?  Your goal should be that Johnny understands that he has sinned, that he genuinely confesses it to Jesus, and that his heart is changed from rebellion to submission.  So how do you do this?

 

I would want some private time with Johnny, so I would take him back to his bedroom, and sit down with him on the floor, and talk with him.  I would explain that Jesus has called Johnny to obey me, and that he chose not to obey.  And so he has disobeyed Jesus, and sinned against Jesus.

 

Depending on his age I might ask some questions like:

What were you feeling when I asked you to put away your toys?

Did something else become more important to you than Jesus?

Why is that wrong?

 

So I would want to talk with Johnny and seek to help him understand this.  But talk is not enough.  Look at Proverbs 22:15 –

Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Johnny’s rebellion has just shown that there is folly in his heart – sin in his heart.  And when there is clear rebellion, intentional disobedience, there needs to be spanking.

 

Now I know this is not very popular in our culture.  But God’s Word calls for it with very strong language.  Look for example at Proverbs 23:13-14 –

13      Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.

14      If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

 

Now I would only spank a child because they have intentionally and knowingly disobeyed.  I would never spank for immaturity or clumsiness.  And we should never spank out of anger or frustration.

 

But God’s Word says that spanking will remove foolishness from their hearts, and I have seen this again and again.  I will never forget one day when I was walking Bradley back to his room for a spanking, Anna said – “It’s OK, Bradley, Jesus uses spanking to change our hearts.”

 

I would spank hard enough so they feel it, and their heart changes.  And then I would hold them and love them and talk about how Jesus will forgive them and I would pray with them.

 

There’s lots more to say on that point.  I’ve got some resources listed at the bottom of your sheet.  But that should give you a feel for how to deal with discipline.

 

And last, trust Jesus.  Jesus will give you the wisdom you need in parenting.  He will give you the love you need.  He will give you the energy you need.  He will give you the will you need.  So trust Jesus.

 

Questions?

 

So let this drive you to your knees, because in yourself you can’t do any of this, but as you cry out to Jesus, and trust in Jesus, He will enable you to do all of this.