Grace-Based Marriage: Sex
1 Cor 7:1-7
If you asked married couples “what’s the biggest problem in your marriage,” many would say the biggest problem is sex. Deep down inside, we all feel that sex should be a source of great joy and delight in marriage. But too often, over time, that changes. Sex becomes stale. A point of tension. Non-existent.
We are doing a series called Grace-Based Marriage. My longing in this series is that we would experience Jesus’ grace transforming our marriages. And one of the areas His grace can transform our marriages is in the area of sex. That’s what I am praying He will start to do this morning.
So where should we go to find out how He can do this? Some of you might think the Bible is the last place you’d go – because the Bible is prudish about sex, uptight about sex, nervous about sex. But if that’s what you think, you haven’t read the Bible.
Throughout the Bible sex in marriage is openly celebrated, because God created sex to be a joyful part of marriage. So the Bible is exactly the place we want to go to have our sexual relations transformed by Jesus’ grace.
And the passage I want us to study this morning is I Corinthians 7. Let’s turn there together. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and we’ll bring a Bible to you. I Corinthians 7 is on page 955 in the Bibles we are passing out.
Here’s some background on the book of I Corinthians. Corinth was a bustling harbor city on the coast of the Mediterranean Sea. Paul had traveled there, told people about Jesus, and a church was planted. But over the next few years some questions and disagreements arose in this church, so they wrote Paul a letter explaining these issues and asking for Paul’s help. I Corinthians is Paul’s answer. And when Paul writes back, he often quotes their views, and then corrects them. Many statements in I Corinthians are statements, not of Paul’s views, but of their own views, which Paul then corrects.
And that’s exactly what Paul does right here in v.1 of chapter 7 – look at what he writes:
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: [here he quotes them] "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman."
2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.
7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
As I studied these verses, I saw three truths which, if we will understand and embrace them, can transform the sexual aspect of our marriages.
The first truth is that sex is a good and holy gift from God for those who are married. We can see that in vv.1-2. Let’s read those verses again.
1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman."
2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.
Like I said, in v.1 Paul is quoting the Corinthians. They are the ones who said “it’s good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” They had somehow gotten the idea that if you wanted to be really holy, really spiritual, then if you were married you would stop having sex – because sex was not holy and spiritual.
And it may be that some of you have the idea that sex is sort of a necessary evil; that it’s kind of dirty or nasty. But that’s wrong.
You can see in v.2 that each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. That word “have” doesn’t just mean “be married.” What Paul is saying is that each man should enjoy his own wife sexually and each woman should enjoy her husband sexually. Paul gives one obvious reason for this in v.2 – it will avoid temptation. But he gives another crucial reason in v.7-- it’s because marriage, including sex, is a gift from God.
So Paul disagrees with their idea that to be truly spiritual you will avoid sex. Paul says that sex is a good and holy gift from God for those who are married.
You can see this also in I Timothy 4:1-5 – go ahead and turn there. It’s on page 992 in the Bibles we passed out. Look at what Paul says --
1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in later times some will depart from the faith by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, 2 through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared, 3 who forbid marriage and require abstinence from foods that God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and know the truth. 4 For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 for it is made holy by the word of God and prayer.
Notice that sex in marriage is made holy by the word of God and prayer -- if it is practiced according to the word of God, and received with thankful prayer.
And what Paul is saying here is taught throughout the Old Testament as well. For example, look at what we read in Proverbs 5:18-19 – on page 530 in the Bibles we passed out –
18 Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, 19 a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.
That’s a command for a husband to enjoy his wife’s body – to be intoxicated in her love.
Now with that in mind, turn back to I Corinthians 7 (page 955). Paul wants to correct the false idea that there’s something unspiritual about sex; he wants us to understand that sex is a good and holy gift of God for those who are married. So is that how you see sex?
There’s lots of reasons why we can see sex as unspiritual or unholy, like reading about sex crimes in the news, or seeing sex degraded in the media. And maybe your own past sexual sin has colored your view of sex. But as we trust Jesus’ death on the Cross, we can be freed from all guilt for past sexual sin. And as we meditate on God’s Word, and pray with our brothers and sisters, God can transform our minds, so we have a biblical understanding of sex.
So if sex is going to have its rightful place in our marriages, we must understand that sex is a good and holy gift from God for those who are married.
But it’s also crucial that we not overstate this. In this passage Paul also shows that sex is not essential. Look at what Paul says in v.7 --
7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
Paul was single. Paul saw singleness as a gift from God. Marriage is God’s gift for some, singleness is God’s gift for others. We’re going to take a whole Sunday to talk about singleness – two weeks from today. But for now, notice that if you are single today, then today singleness is God’s gift to you.
If you want to get married, if you desire marriage, then Paul says – pursue marriage. But until God gives you a spouse, what He’s giving you is the gift of singleness. Singleness without any need for sex. Because sex is not essential.
Sex is not essential for you to be a fully alive human being. There’s no human being who was more fully alive, more fully human, more whole psychologically -- than Jesus Christ. And He never had sex.
Sex is not essential for you physically. Not that you won’t be tempted. Not that resisting the temptation won’t be hard. But you don’t physically need sex. Sex is not like food, in the sense that you will not die without it; your body will function fine without it.
But of course, you can make sex feel essential by what you look at and think about. Here’s an example: if you are going to fast and pray – it makes no sense to fire up the barbecue and throw on a Tri-tip, does it. Why would you do that? That would make fasting very, very hard. And there’s things we can look at and think about that make chastity very, very hard.
So if God has at least temporarily given you the gift of singleness, you will need to be very careful about what you look at and think about. Because you can make it feel like sex is essential; but it’s not. Singleness is a gift from God just as marriage is.
But now let’s bring this back to marriage. If you are married, it’s crucial to understand that sex is a good and holy gift from God to you. That’s the first truth I saw here.
The second truth is that husbands and wives should seek to give each other sexual pleasure. Look first at v.3 --
3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
Husbands, you should give to your wife her conjugal rights. That means – seek to give her pleasure. Your main desire is not your own pleasure; it’s her pleasure. God Himself has commanded that your main desire should be for your wife’s sexual pleasure.
Now that doesn’t mean if your wife doesn’t have an orgasm every time, then you’ve sinned. Women and men are different. But your desire, your aim, should be her sexual pleasure.
And wives, Paul says your desire should be for your husband’s sexual pleasure. There’s a stereotype of husbands wanting sex lots and wives every once in a while dutifully going through the motions. That’s not what God wants. God wants wives to seek to give their husbands sexual pleasure.
Now this assumes lots of communication about sex. Because how are you going to know what brings your husband or wife pleasure? So you each should be seeking to outdo the other in bringing the other pleasure, and that will mean communication.
And then look at v.4 --
4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
This verse is sometimes misunderstood to mean that the husband commands the wife to have sex, or the wife commands the husband to have sex. But v.3 makes that impossible.
Paul is saying that you do not have authority over her own body – you don’t do whatever you want to do. Rather, you let your spouse – his or her pleasure – have authority over your body. There’s no coercion here. You freely choose to meet your spouse’s desires.
So the point is not: I have sexual authority over you. The point is: I’m going to let you have sexual authority over me – I’m going to seek your pleasure sexually.
Now this is the perfect time to raise one of the questions that was turned in. It said:
Biblically speaking, can a woman say “no” to sex when her husband wants it?
I think both the husband and the wife in this situation could be helped by thinking and praying deeply about vv.3-4.
This would help the husband see that what he should want more than sex is to serve his wife. A husband should never demand sex from his wife. Men, if your wife would rather not have sex tonight, I think Jesus would call you to graciously ask if you can make a date for another night.
And this would help the wife see that what she should want most of all is to serve her husband. Now there can be physical or health reasons for saying “no.” But the wife’s overall desire should be to serve her husband.
So what should you do if one of you wants sex more than the other? You will both need to move toward the other. Jesus will give the one grace to want sex more, and He will give the other grace to want sex less. Make this a matter of earnest prayer, and watch what Jesus will do.
But what if you have a spouse who will not be responsive sexually? This would be very painful, and very difficult. But Jesus will give you grace. Your call is to pray for your spouse. Appeal to your spouse. Love and serve your spouse. Never force your spouse. And Jesus will enable you to go without sex in the meantime.
I want to mention one last truth – sex is a spiritual weapon. You can see that in vv.5-6 –
5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this.
Paul is not commanding that you abstain from sex for the sake of prayer. But he is conceding this. His main desire is that men and women enjoy God’s good and holy gift of sex in marriage. And one very practical reason is because this will keep Satan from tempting you sexually.
Satan wants to tempt you. Satan will tempt your wife. Satan will tempt your husband. No one, husband or wife, ever has an excuse for sinning sexually. But you can help your spouse fight sexual temptation, by having sex.
Now if you have recurring difficulties, talk to a godly married couple, so they can counsel and pray for you; maybe it would be helpful to get checked out medically. Do whatever it takes. Set aside time for sex. Talk about it together. Pray about it. Enjoy it.
And Satan’s plans will be thwarted.
Questions?
If your home group is meeting this week, maybe you could break into men’s and women’s groups to talk and pray more about this. And if your home group is not meeting, maybe you could connect with another brother or sister to talk about pray about this.
Let’s press in to have Jesus’ grace restore His will for sex in our marriages.