Grace-Based Marriage: Singleness
I Cor 7:7; Matt 12:48-49; I Cor 7:32-35
Today, as we wrap up our series on marriage, I want us to study God’s Word more deeply on the topic of singleness. Now you might wonder why we would talk about singleness during a marriage series. I’ve got at couple reasons:
One is because a biblical understanding of singleness will clarify our understanding of marriage.
Another is because the singles have been gracious to listen as we’ve encouraged those here who are married – so I want to give some time to encouraging those who are single.
Another is because, especially in church circles, there’s lots of misunderstandings about singleness – harmful misunderstandings. And I want Mercy Hill to be a place where singles thrive – so I want to correct these misunderstandings about singleness.
What I want to do this morning is go over three places where the Bible talks about singleness – and then if we have time we’ll open it up for questions.
The first passage is I Corinthians 7:7, which teaches that singleness is a gift from God. Let’s turn there together. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and we’ll bring one to you. I Corinthians 7 is on page 955 in the Bibles we are passing out. Look at what Paul says in v.7 – and we’ll read vv.8 and 9 also to get a broader context –
7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.
8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.
9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
In v.7 Paul says that each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. So what gifts is he talking about? In v.8 Paul tells us that he was single. And in v.9 Paul talks about marriage. So the two gifts Paul is talking about are singleness and marriage. Which means that everyone here in this room at this moment has a gift from God – either the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness.
So if you are single today, then today God’s gift to you is singleness. That doesn’t mean you have no desire for sex or no desire for marriage. It means that because you are single today, either by choice or by circumstances, you know that God has gifted you at least for today, with singleness -- and so you pursue contentment in God as a celibate single.
If this fight for contentment takes extraordinary effort, and you would prefer to be married, then Paul would say “go ahead and get married.” And if God provides you with a godly spouse, then you know that the moment you say “I do” your gift from God is marriage. But until that point, and if God never gives you a spouse, then God’s gift to you is singleness. And since God is gifting you with singleness, then He will give you everything you need in order to be content in celibate singleness.
But the crucial point to understand is that singleness is a gift from God. Too many people, especially in the church, think that marriage is normal and singleness is not. Here’s what I mean. Think of how often people say things like: “you’re such a nice person, how come you’re not married by now?” Or: “why haven’t you found someone yet?” When people talk that way, they are assuming that marriage is normal, and singleness is not.
But that’s not what God’s Word says. God’s Word says that singleness is a gift from God, a privileged calling from God, a powerful way to pursue Christ’s mission and advance God’s glory.
Now this doesn’t mean it will be easy.
Every calling, both marriage and singleness, comes with its battles. Marriage is easier in some ways, and harder in some ways; singleness is easier in some ways, and harder in some ways. Here’s two ways that singleness is specially hard.
First of all, singles battle loneliness. Here’s a quote from Trevor Douglas, a single man who has planted churches among the Ifugao people in the remote jungles of the Philippines:
Perhaps loneliness takes the heaviest toll. I well remember how a fellow single missionary brother poured out his heart to me. “Christmas is especially bad,” he said. “That’s the hardest. Once I was invited to spend Christmas with a family, but after I got there I wished I had never gone. I felt like they were just trying to do me a favor. I felt like an intruder. Next Christmas, I drove off in my car far away, rented a motel room, and sat there and cried.”
Singles will battle loneliness. We need to help them in this battle, by not saying things that imply they should be married by now; by praying for them; and by connecting with them, not as a favor, but because we want to have genuine Christ-centered friendship with them.
Singles will also battle sexual temptation. Here’s a quote from Margaret Clarkson, a godly single woman:
Through no fault of my own, I am unable to express my sexuality in the beauty and intimacy of Christian marriage, as God intended when he created me a sexual being in his own image. To seek to do this outside of marriage is, by the clear teaching of Scripture, sin against God and against my own nature.
As a committed Christian, then, I have no alternative but to live a life of voluntary celibacy. I must be chaste not only in body, but in mind and spirit as well. Since I am now in my 60’s I think that my experience of what this means is valid. I want to go on record as having proved that for those who are committed to do God’s will, his commands are his enablings.
I want Mercy Hill Church to be a church where singles are affirmed as having a precious gift from God, just as precious as the gift of marriage. And I want us to be a church which seeks to understand the battles of loneliness and sexual temptation singles face, and which stands with singles in the unique battles that Jesus calls them to fight.
So let this truth change how you view singleness and singles: singleness is a gift from God.
The second passage is Matthew 12:46-49 – which teaches that singleness means being part of Jesus’ spiritual family. Look at Matthew 12 – which is on page 818 in the Bibles we passed out. Matthew 12:46-49 –
46 While he was still speaking to the people, behold, his mother and his brothers stood outside, asking to speak to him.
48 But he replied to the man who told him, "Who is my mother, and who are my brothers?"
49 And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, "Here are my mother and my brothers!
God has established two different kinds of families. There’s earthly, physical families, and there’s Jesus’ spiritual family. Jesus was part of an earthly physical family. Mary was His earthly physical mother, and he had earthly physical brothers. He loved His mother, to the extent that while he was suffering on the Cross, he urged John to take care of Mary his mother when he was gone (John 19:26f). So Jesus was part of an earthly physical family, and he honored his earthly physical family.
But Jesus wants us to understand that there’s another family – His spiritual family. His spiritual family is not produced by physical birth, but by spiritual rebirth. It’s made up of disciples whose hearts had been changed by trusting Jesus.
And feel how shocked Jesus’ listeners would have been: there’s Jesus’ earthly mother and brothers – but Jesus points over here and says: “Here are my mother and brothers.” What Jesus is saying is that His spiritual family is more important than his earthly, physical family.
Now don’t misunderstand this. From God’s Word we see that earthly physical family is important to God. Marriage is a way to display Christ’s love for the church, and Christ-centered parenting is a way that children will come to know and follow Jesus. Some people don’t take seriously enough their earthly family responsibilities. Don’t make that mistake. Earthly physical families are important to God.
But as important as they are, Jesus’ spiritual family is more important. One obvious way we can see that is because Jesus’ spiritual family will last forever – but earthly biological families end. There’s no marriage in heaven. And of course we all long for the members of our earthly families to also be part of Jesus’ spiritual family – because then we will be together forever. But we won’t mostly be together as earthly families, we’ll mostly be together as part of Jesus’ spiritual family.
So if you are single, and part of Jesus’ spiritual family, you are part of the most important family. The fact that you are not part of an earthly family now does not mean you have no family. You can be part of the most important family – Jesus’ spiritual family.
But that does not come automatically. That means intentionally developing friendships with other marrieds and singles. In our context here at Mercy Hill the best way to do that is through home groups. This is one reason we don’t have singles home groups – because that would limit your spiritual family relationships. Married people need you singles. And you singles need married people.
And as you intentionally develop Christ-centered missional community with other believers – marrieds and singles, old and young, you will be developing relationships in the most important family, the one family that will last forever, Jesus’ spiritual family.
We can see this illustrated in Paul’s life. Turn to I Timothy 1 (page 991). Notice what Paul says in v.2 –
To Timothy, my true child in the faith.
And then look at v.18 –
This charge, I entrust to you, Timothy, my child…
And then look at 2 Timothy 1:2 –
To Timothy, my beloved child…
Paul was single. But Paul had a son in the faith – the young man Timothy. Paul had a young man he had led to Christ, encouraged, exhorted, prayed for, loved. Paul was his spiritual father, Timothy was his spiritual son.
So if you are single, you do not need to be without family. You do not need to be alone. Jesus wants you to go deep in His spiritual family. So if you are single, become a spiritual father to some young people – become a spiritual brother to people your own age – develop relationships with older men or women who can be your spiritual fathers and mothers.
The third passage is 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 – which teaches that singleness frees you to build Jesus’ spiritual family. Look at what Paul says in I Corinthians 7:32 (page 956) --
32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.
33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife,
34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.
35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.
Now this could sound like married people are worldly, and only single people are devoted to the Lord. But in other passages Paul is clear that marriage and earthly families are part of God’s plan. God intended marriages to display Christ’s love for the church; God wants families to bring the members to salvation, to build the members in faith, and to advance the mission in neighborhoods. So marriage and earthly families are part of God’s good and holy plan.
So what I think Paul is saying is that marriage and family brings added responsibilities. You need to earn more money than if you were single. You need to spend more time at home than if you were single. And so on.
So what Paul is saying is that if you are single you are freed from the responsibilities of earthly family so you can be even more devoted to building Jesus’ spiritual family.
Here’s another quote from Trevor Douglas, who’s a single man planting churches among an unreached people group in the Philippines:
The single lifestyle enables one to get the most out of the time God gives for his work .. One of my chief delights is that I don’t have to fit my ministry around a family schedule. I don’t have to be home at a certain time each night. My time is the Filipino’s time.
And that comes back to the fact that singleness is a gift. It’s a gift from God to free you to have even more time to build Jesus’ family.
So if you are single, God has called you to give yourself to building Jesus’ spiritual family. So have marrieds over for dinner – they need you. Meet people for coffee. Develop friendships with people in your neighborhood who don’t know Jesus. Hang out with people from your home group. Your singleness is a gift of time to build Jesus’ family. So give yourself to this.
Now let me conclude by reading one last quote -- to encourage singles and to help marrieds understand singleness. This is another quote from Margaret Clarkson, a 60 year old godly, single, woman:
My whole being cries out continually for something I may not have … As a Christian I have no choice but to obey God, cost what it may. I must trust him to make it possible for me to honor him in my singleness.
That this is possible, a mighty cloud of witnesses will join me to attest. Multitudes of single Christians in every age and circumstance have proved God’s sufficiency in this matter. He has promised to meet our need and he honors his word. If we seek fulfillment in him, we will find it. It may not be easy, but whoever said that Christian life was easy? The badge of Christ’s discipleship was a cross.
Why must I live my life alone [unmarried]? I do not know. But Jesus Christ is Lord of my life. I believe in the sovereignty of God, and I accept my singleness from his hand. He could have ordered my life otherwise, but he has not chosen to do so. As his child, I must trust his love and wisdom. [All these quotations are taken from Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, pp.xvii-xxviii.]
Questions?