Grace-Based Marriage: Words
Matthew 12:33-37
This morning we are going to talk about the words we speak to each other in marriage. All through the Bible God tells us that our words can produce much good or much harm.
Our words can produce much good:
Proverbs 15:1 says that a soft answer can turn away wrath
Ephesians 4:29 says your words can give grace to those who hear
Proverbs 12:18 says that words can bring healing
But our words can also produce much harm:
Proverbs 26:28 says that words can bring about ruin
James 3:6 says that words can produce unrighteousness.
Proverbs 21:23 says that words can bring about trouble
And both are summarized in Proverbs 18:21, which says that death and life are in the power of the tongue.
Now think of what this means in marriage, where over the years of your marriage your spouse will hear more words from you than from any other person. This means your words will have a profound effect on your spouse. So what can we do to change our speech so the words bring great good to our spouse?
Jesus tells us in Matthew 12:33-37. Let’s turn there together. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you. Matthew 12 is on page 817 in the Bibles we are passing out.
While you are turning there, let me mention something about this passage. In this passage Jesus does something very different from lots of books and preaching around today. Lots of books and preaching are along the lines of “Five Steps to Improve Your Communication.”
But the problem with that is that you are left focused on what you are going to do to improve your communication. You are left relying on yourself and depending on yourself to improve your communication. But that’s not what Jesus taught. That’s not the Gospel.
The Gospel always points us to Jesus, and leaves us relying on Jesus, closer to Jesus, trusting Jesus to change your words or make us more loving, or whatever. That’s what Gospel-centered books and preaching should do. And that’s what we see Jesus doing in Matthew 12. Let’s read it together.
33 "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit.
34 You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
35 The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.
36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,
37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."
As I meditated on this passage Thursday and Friday I saw three crucial truths which will help us rely on Jesus more so that our words will change.
First, I saw that there’s good words and there’s evil words. You can see that clearly in v.35, where Jesus is talking about our words –
The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good [words], and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil [words].
So Jesus is saying that there are words you could speak to your spouse today that are good, and there are words that you could speak to your spouse today that are evil. There’s words that are really good, truly good, objectively good – and there’s words that are really evil, truly evil, objectively evil.
But some of you might struggle with that idea. There’s lots of people today who are not sure there’s any objective standard of good and evil out there. There’s lots of talk today about how we each need to determine what’s right and wrong for us; we each need to determine our own morality. And if that’s where you’re at, you’ll have a hard time buying in on what Jesus is saying.
So is there a standard of right and wrong that’s outside of us and above us? Think about it like this: is there anyone in the world right now who you think should stop doing what they’re doing, even if they think what they are doing is right? Do you think there’s anyone out there who thinks what they are doing is right, but you think they should stop what they are doing?
I think we all would say yes. Think of sex traffickers, or child molesters. Even though they think what they are doing is right, even though they have determined their own morality and think they are right, we know they are wrong. Which means we believe there’s a standard of right and wrong outside of us, above us, not defined by us.
That’s what Jesus taught – and He explained that the moral realty outside of us, above us, not defined by us – is defined by God Himself and given to us in the Bible.
So it’s crucial that we understand that there’s good words and there’s evil words. What does God say are good words?
Good words are Gospel words – words which point your spouse to Jesus, to His love, to the Cross, to His promises.
Good words are grateful words – words which breathe thankfulness to Jesus and to your spouse.
Good words are affectionate words – words which express your delight in your spouse, your joy in your spouse, your pleasure in your spouse.
Good words are constructive words – where you appeal to your spouse about areas of concern, seeking to bring about encouragement and change.
Good words are humble words – where you are putting your spouse first, putting your spouse’s interests before your own, not demanding what you want.
Good words are listening words – where you ask questions and listen and learn about your spouse.
Good words are truthful words – where you graciously and humbly speak the truth about Jesus, about a situation, about a circumstance.
Good words are gentle words – tender words, words which take his or her feelings into account.
Those are what God says are good words. So how many of your words toward your spouse have been good words?
And then there’s words that God says are evil words:
Evil words are non-Gospel words – which distract your spouse from Jesus, from His love, from the Cross, from His promises.
Evil words are ungrateful words – which are complaining and demanding and don’t breathe of thankfulness to Jesus and to your spouse.
Evil words are hurtful words – which are intended to bring emotional pain to your spouse through criticism, insult, sarcasm.
Evil words are threatening words – where you try to bring about change with threats or ultimatums.
Evil words are proud words – which imply that you are better than your spouse, that you deserve more from your spouse.
Evil words are insensitive words – where you speak without regard to the feelings of your spouse.
Evil words are lying words – where you don’t admit the truth about yourself or your circumstances.
Evil words are no words – where you just don’t talk, either because you are too busy or because you want to punish them somehow.
Those are what God says are evil words. So how many of your words toward your spouse have been evil words?
There’s good words. There’s evil words. For the well-being of your marriage it’s crucial that you understand this. But there’s another even more important reason we should understand this – which Jesus explains in this passage.
It’s because we will be justified or condemned by our words. Now this is shocking. And if you have studied your Bible, and understand that we are justified by faith in Jesus alone, this should raise some serious questions in your mind. But look at what Jesus says in vv.36-37 --
36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak,
37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned."
To understand what Jesus is saying, we need to see that the Bible uses the word “justify” in two different ways.
Sometimes the word “justify” has to do with how our salvation is brought about. How is our salvation accomplished? Not by our good words. Our salvation is accomplished by trusting Jesus Christ. Jesus lived the perfect life we should have lived, and He received the horrible punishment we deserve. And when we trust Him, all of our sins are punished in Him, and all His perfect righteousness is credited to us. So we are justified, our salvation is accomplished, through faith in Jesus Christ.
But sometimes the word “justify” has to do with how our salvation is demonstrated. Not how our salvation is brought about, but how it is demonstrated. That’s how Jesus is using it here.
We are not saved by having good words. We are saved by trusting Jesus. But when we trust Jesus, God brings His power upon us and starts to change every area of our lives, including our words. And as a result of His power changing us we start to speak fewer and fewer evil words, and we start to speak more and more good words. And this change in our words demonstrates that we have been saved.
So when Jesus says “by your words you will be justified” he’s not saying “by your words you will be saved.” He’s saying: “by your words you will show that you have been saved.”
So your words are massively important – not because they save you, but because they show that you have been saved.
Picture it. There you are at the end of history, before God. And God is going to want to show why he will either welcome you into heaven or cast you into hell. And so God will display your words. If your words have been evil, that will show that you were not saved, that you did not trust Jesus, and so you will be cast into hell. But if your words used to be evil, but then started to be changed by God’s power as you trusted Jesus, that will show that you were saved, and so you will be welcomed into heaven.
It’s not progressively good words that save you. But it’s progressively good words that show you’ve been saved. So what will your words show about you?
But now that raises another question. What can we do to change our words? We know that it’s by God’s power, but what can we do? That’s the third truth Jesus teaches us here -- We change our words by changing our hearts.
Jesus tells us that words are the outflow of the heart. You can see this in v.34 --
You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
In other words, what comes out of the mouth starts in the heart. If I find myself speaking proud words, it’s because my heart is proud. If I find myself speaking loving words, it’s because my heart is loving. Like Jesus said: “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
Take this bottle. I’m going to pour some out. Now why is there dark, evil water coming out? It’s because there’s dark, evil water inside. Every time I tip it, dark, evil water comes out. Why? Because that’s what’s inside.
Same with our words. When I speak evil words, it’s not because of my hard day, or because my stock portfolio is hammered, or because the Sharks failed again. When I speak evil words, it’s because of the evil in my heart. If what comes out is evil, it’s because what’s inside is evil.
But then take this bottle. I’m pouring some out. Why is there clear, good water coming out? It’s because there’s clear, good water inside. Every time I tip it, clear, good water comes out. Why? Because that’s what’s inside.
So my words show my heart. If I speak gospel-words, grateful words, affectionate words – then my heart is good. But if I speak ungrateful words, hurtful words, proud words – then my heart is evil.
So how do we change our words? By changing our hearts. That’s what Jesus says in v.33 --
33 "Either make the tree good and its fruit [will be] good, or make the tree bad and its fruit [will be] bad, for the tree is known by its fruit.
So we change our words by changing out hearts.
And how do we change our hearts? Jesus does not say in this passage. But there’s dozens of passages where we read that our hearts are changed by faith – by trusting Jesus (Acts 26:18; Rom 1:5; 16:26; Gal 5:6; II Cor 3:18; I John 5:4). For example, look at what Peter says in Acts 15:8-9 –
8 And God, who knows the heart, bore witness to them, by giving them the Holy Spirit just as he did to us,
9 and he made no distinction between us and them, having cleansed their hearts by faith.
Our hearts are cleansed – changed – by faith; by trusting Jesus.
Now don’t say: “I tried that and it doesn’t work.” What changes your heart is not that you trusted Jesus five years ago. What changes your heart is that you trust Jesus today. And what changes your heart today is not just believing certain facts about Jesus. What changes your heart is personal trust in Jesus Himself.
It’s turning from whatever else you have trusted for your meaning and joy, and trusting Jesus. It’s trusting Jesus’ death on the Cross to forgive you, trusting His presence to satisfy you, trusting His commands to guide you, trusting His promises to help you.
When you trust Jesus now and in that way – the Holy Spirit will come upon you to change your heart. He will free you from pride, from worry, from despair, from fear, from bitterness, from unforgiveness, from whatever it is in your heart that’s flowing out in evil words.
Picture it like this. Here’s a pitcher with dark, evil water in it. When this person turns to trust Jesus, the dark, evil water will be poured out, and clear good water will be poured in, and the words that flow out will be changed.
Questions?
Words are crucial. At the final judgment our words will either show us as being condemned forever, or being saved forever. The way to change our words is by changing our hearts. And the way we change our hearts is by trusting Jesus, relying on Jesus, depending on Jesus.
So trust in Jesus, rely on Jesus, depend on Jesus. Your heart will be changed. Your words will be changed. And at the final judgment that will show that you’ve been saved.