Grace-Based Marriage: Love
Colossians 3:12-14
We’re doing a series called “Grace-Based Marriage,” in which we are opening our hearts to God’s Word, and asking Jesus to strengthen and transform our marriages by His grace. I’ve encouraged you to send me questions about marriage, so we could cover them here on Sunday morning, and one of the questions that came in anonymously had to do with the topic of love in marriage. Here’s the question:
"How do you revive a marriage of many years, when the love is gone? I've prayed to the Lord many times over this."
This is a painful question. If you are here this morning, our hearts go out to you. I hope you could share this with your home group leaders so they can pray with and for you. You need brothers and sisters who can come alongside you, listen to you, encourage you, pray with you, and encourage you with Jesus’ love, Jesus’ promises, Jesus’ comfort.
This question sounds hopeless, because if the love is gone, what can you do? And most everyone in our culture like Dear Abby, Dr. Phil, Oprah would all say it’s hopeless; move on; find your soul-mate. But Jesus would not say this is hopeless.
Jesus, with deep love for you, with eyes ablaze with passion for your good and God’s glory, would say: “what God has joined together let not man separate,” and “what’s impossible with man is possible with God.”
And if we answer: “But if the love is gone, what can we do?”, Jesus would say there’s a difference between love and romance. You by yourself can’t make romance come back. But you by yourself, with Jesus’ power, can continue to love. Regardless of how your spouse responds, you can continue to love.
So as this person continues to love, he or she is fulfilling God’s purpose for his or her side of the marriage – to display Christ’s sacrificial love for the church. And God could use this person’s love to end up restoring the romance in the marriage. There’s no guarantee, but God could do that. I remember performing the remarriage for a couple that had been divorced. Very powerful God can do that.
So this situation is not hopeless, because even when romance is gone from a marriage, you can continue to love. But the question is – how? How can you keep loving, when the romance is gone? Where does love come from?
This is a question we all need to ask, because even if your marriage is full of romance, there will still be times when it’s hard to love. Maybe it’s because you’ve got the flu, or because your spouse got in a fender-bender. Maybe it’s because money’s tight, or because little Johnny’s regressed in his potty-training. Every husband and every wife, and every single person, has to ask the question – where does love come from?
To answer that, let’s turn to Colossians 3:12-14. If you need a Bible, go ahead and raise your hand and one of the ushers will bring one to you. Colossians 3 is on page 984 in the Bibles we are passing out.
Let me throw something else out here. Many people think that all religions teach basically the same thing; that we are to love each other and live in harmony. And it’s true that the five major world religions all teach us to love each other.
But when we ask “Where does love come from? How can I love?”, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and modern-day Judaism have a radically different answer from Jesus. Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam, and modern-day Judaism all say the same thing: love comes from you. You just need to try harder. Love comes from you.
But what Jesus taught, what God says in the Bible, is totally different. Jesus calls us to love. But He says that in ourselves we can’t. But He tells us that through His death on the Cross, as we trust Him, we will be transformed day by day and enabled to love. Love does not come from us. Love comes from Him as a gift.
That’s what we see in these verses. Read Colossians 3:12-14 --
12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Let’s start with this question – What does it mean to love? In v.14 Paul says: “above all these put on love,” and I think the point is that the umbrella over all the specifics in vv.12-13 is love. All these together involve love. So what does love look like?
First, there’s compassionate hearts and kindness. This means having a heart-felt desire to do good for your husband or wife. So when your spouse shares about his or her hard day, you are engaged. You listen. You care. Or when you see that she’s had a rough day you take the kids to the park. Or when he’s had a bad day you make him his favorite burritos.
Second, there’s humility and meekness. When you are humble and meek, you put your spouse before yourself. If you’re going to the movies, she probably doesn’t want to see Rambo 18. Put her first, and go to the chick flick. Or on a more serious note, if your spouse carrying a grudge against you, and not talking to you? Be humble and meek, don’t respond in the same way, and keep loving and serving her.
Third, there’s patience, bearing with one another, and forgiving each other. We talked about forgiveness two weeks ago, so today let’s focus on patience and bearing with one another. These have to do with those things your spouse does that bug and annoy you. He leaves his clothes on the floor. She overcooks the eggs. He doesn’t lift up the toilet seat. She forgets to fill up the gas tank. And when your spouse does something that annoys you, Jesus calls you to be patient and bear with them. Don’t get bugged. Don’t get angry. Be patient. Bear with them.
So love means being compassionate and kind, being humble and meek, being patient and bearing with each other.
So where does this love come from? That’s the million dollar question. And look again at what Paul says in vv.12-14 --
12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,
13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.
Paul calls us to put on compassionate hearts. He call us to put on love. Which means that if I have been saved, then I can put on love just like I put on this coat. I realize I don’t have love on, so I put on love, and now I am loving. That’s what Paul says.
Which means there is something we can do to become more loving. So love is not something that Christians automatically find rising up in our hearts from time to time. Love is something that we are to intentionally put on all the time. But how? You can’t just will your way into being loving. So what can we do?
I think the answer is in something that we could easily skip over. Notice in v.12: Paul says we should put these on – “as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved.” Why does Paul mention that? I think it’s because the way we put on love is by understanding, trusting, and experiencing these truths. When you understand, trust, and experience the truth that God has chosen you, that God has made you holy, that God loves you – you will discover that your heart is more loving. You will have put on love.
Let’s take these one at a time.
What does it mean that you are God’s chosen one? That’s the doctrine of election. Now this is a controversial doctrine. I would encourage you to study it for yourself. My conviction is that while I was rebelling against God and did not want anything to do with Jesus, in amazing mercy and love God chose me. God chose to save me.
He did not look ahead and see that I would have faith. He looked ahead and saw that I would never have faith. But out of sheer mercy He chose to save me. Through Jesus he paid for my sins, and because of Jesus in 1972 he brought His power upon me, changed my hearts, gave me faith, and I repented and trusted Jesus and was saved.
So why am I saved? Not ultimately because of anything I did. There’s only one reason this sinful man is saved today – and that’s because of God’s mercy in Jesus. All I deserve is eternal punishment. But out of sheer, unconditional mercy God chose to save me.
Now when I understand, and trust, and feel that – what happens? I’m humbled. Deeply humbled. I have a meek spirit. I have just put on what Paul tells me to put on – humility and meekness.
Now this is huge, because one thing that keeps us from loving each other is pride. Pride is a huge obstacle. It’s pride when we say “I deserve better,” or “It’s my turn for her to do what I want.” Many of us have statements like that in our minds about our spouse. And if that’s what’s in your heart towards your spouse, you will not love them. That’s why Paul tells us to put on humility and meekness. And the way to put on humility and meekness is by sinking your roots deep into the doctrine of election.
Because as you feel the truth that you have been saved for no reason in you, but only because of God’s mercy in Christ, you will see that you have no ground for pride. You have no basis for thinking you deserve anything good. And you will feel humble, and meek, and you will be able to love your spouse.
I remember a man whose wife separated from him. He was furious. But then a few weeks later she called him and asked him to come and visit her. He called me and asked what I would do. I told him I’d be there in a heartbeat. But he was hurt that she had left him, his pride was wounded, and he didn’t go. And a few months later they were divorced.
Pride destroys love. Election destroys pride. Sink your roots deep into God’s mercy in choosing and saving you. As a result, you will feel humble and meek, and you will be able to love.
Next, Paul says that we are holy. That’s the doctrine of regeneration. This means that when God saved me, He changed me and made me holy in a way that would increase throughout my life. He birthed a new nature in me, a holy nature which grows in loving God and worshiping Jesus and loving others. If you are trusting Jesus then you are not the same person you used to be. God has given you a new, holy nature.
Now this is crucial, because when I’m not feeling loving, it feels like I could never be loving. Have you ever found yourself saying “I just can’t do this”? That’s what I’m talking about. But when we stop and remember that we are holy, that we have a new nature which can love, we are encouraged that by God’s grace, through Jesus, I can do this. And so you will take the steps to put on love – by sinking you roots deep into the truth that you are chosen by God, you are holy, and you are beloved.
Picture it like this. When God saved you, he bought you this coat – this coat of compassion and kindness and humility and meekness and patience. It’s always there, ready to be put on. So when you find that you are not compassionate and kind and humble and meek and patient – don’t think you can’t be. No. It’s right there, ready to be put on. It’s part of your nature that God has given to you. So put it on – by sinking your roots deep into being chosen of God, being holy, and being loved.
Finally, Paul says that we are beloved. That’s the doctrine of adoption. It means that because of Jesus, you have been adopted by God. God is now your Father. The God of the universe, who has infinite power, sovereign authority, knows you individually, loves you individually, feels affection for you individually, cares for you individually. He promises that as you trust Him He will be a Father to you, providing for you, guiding you, protecting you, satisfying you, loving you.
Now what happens when you understand, trust, and feel that God loves you? All kinds of things. Your fears dissolve. Your worries disappear. Your heart is satisfied. You are content and peaceful.
Now this is crucial, because when our hearts are empty, it’s hard to love. When our hearts are empty, worried, fearful, not-satisfied, it’s very hard to love. And Paul tells us to put on love. And the way to do that, when your heart is worried, is by sinking your roots deep into God’s love for you. Spend time understanding, trusting, and feeling the doctrine of adoption, God’s love for you in Christ. And as you do this, your heart will be filled and satisfied, and you will be able to love.
So how can I become more loving? It’s by understanding, trusting, and feeling that you are chosen by God, holy, and loved. It’s by sinking your roots deep into the doctrines of election, regeneration, and adoption. As you do this, by the power of the Holy Spirit, you will find that you are feeling compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience.
Questions?
So “put on love.” No matter how hard your day, no matter how distant your spouse, no matter how many times you’ve forgiven -- you can continue to love – by sinking your roots into the truth of God’s choosing you, of God’s making you holy, of God’s adoptive love for you in Christ. Put on love.